drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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