Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
