I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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