your parents love me but you hate me
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.