Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The struggles of a small town man whore
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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