I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I love having hate sex.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...