You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
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Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.