Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
