Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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