you traded sex for a burrito?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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