I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
