Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
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Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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