tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you didnt know i had herpes?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
