jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
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