you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
