someone threw a dead crab at me
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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