Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
