Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
