You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
