There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
