You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
