I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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