R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
