All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
