So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
