Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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