I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
