wakey wakey hands off snakey
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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