I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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