everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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