Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
