Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
