i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
