Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
