hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
