Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize