So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
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I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
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I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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