That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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