If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
