Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
