he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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