apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
