I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
