even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
