The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
