so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
