my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
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Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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