hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
