when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
