We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
