So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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