when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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