HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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