ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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