I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
is wine microwaveable?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
